Unfinished Business

Creating a Memory Trail

I love receiving personal mail, and this time of year is one of the few opportunities that I can look forward to daily deliveries. Without fail, the first week of December yields a handful of cards. However, predictably, when we open them, we see only handwritten signatures beneath a standard verse. We gain scant takeaway, aside from the fact that these dear friends or family still are numbered among the living. (We're glad to know!)

The commercial tradition of sending greetings at this prescribed time of the year began around 1915 at a small Kansas City postcard printing company launched by Joyce Hall. Growing up, our family decorated an interior doorway with these cards. But a few decades ago, I decided to re-make this tradition in my own mold.

I quit sending cards. Instead, I chose computer stationery with a wintry scene and wrote a letter highlighting the past year. I didn't send it to anyone that we see regularly. It goes to friends and relatives whom we hold dear, but unfortunately don't see often. And I may mail it when they least expect!

I started this new tradition for practical reasons. I was commuting 60 miles one-way to work in Des Moines, raising two children, traveling for my job, and volunteering in the community. In addition, our monthly magazine production schedule accelerated to twice-monthly in the winter. Deadlines for the November, Mid-November, December, January, February, Mid-February, March, and Mid-March issues blurred together, exacerbating the holiday treadmill.

At that time, my husband's grandmothers hosted extended family get-togethers and between his family and mine, we typically celebrated five times, including presents at each one. My shopping list included dance, piano, grade schoolteachers, and bus drivers. I also helped rehearse and direct the Sunday School Christmas program, and we filled the kids' gift sacks.

I found that I could accomplish the shopping, school concerts and recitals, family events--and usually the cookie decorating. But I couldn't manage to mail a timely greeting. It was just another deadline! So, after the celebrations subsided, I would begin my annual letter.

My initial deadline was New Year's Day. But sometimes the goal line stretched to Valentine's Day. In 1997, I mailed St. Patrick's Day greetings. In 2006, it morphed into Happy April Fool's Day. The most memorable letter began with the words, "Merry Easter!"

Surprisingly, I discovered that friends and family looked forward to reading my letter following the holiday hustle and the bustle. The postmark gave them a good chuckle, and they appreciated a newsy, belated letter more than an on-time greeting card.

Sets Stage for New Tradition

A few years ago, I came across copies of these letters; others were saved in a computer file. It sparked an idea. Our daughters were married, and bringing their husbands home for the holidays; we each chose one letter to read aloud on Christmas Eve. We found that it reminded us of our shared stories and experiences over the years. Since every family has its own shorthand, it also helps our sons-in-law fill in the blanks, and gain a solid sense of belonging. For instance, here's a sampling of our ups-and-downs:

·       In July 1993, my daughters, and I sheltered at a school during torrential rain and a tornado warning. We returned home at 10 p.m. to find Stan and his sister in the kitchen. His knee was swollen to the size of a grapefruit. He had run to the house as the storm unleashed its fury, but had slipped on the grass and hit his knee on the cement step. The next morning, I drove him to the hospital in Ames, but we almost didn't make it home because rivers and streams were flooding, the roads were closed off in and out of town by early afternoon. (Editor's Note: His knee was fractured, and in a cast for two months.)

·       On November 12, 2005 we were beginning the 4-hour drive home in the dark from the Dorian Piano Festival at Luther College in Decorah when we received a phone call from Stan's mom. She surprised us with the news that a tornado had struck three of our neighbors, but all our buildings still were standing! (Editor's Note: We did have tornado damage in 1995 from an autumn twister, and from the 2021 derecho.)

·       A February 2008 fire flamed up in a grower building as we were getting ready for Sunday church service. The ladies at church headed to the kitchen to make sloppy joe sandwiches for the volunteer firefighters. By the fall, it led to a final decision to quit raising hogs, after 30 years.

Sometimes the letters simply provided mile-markers over time for the inevitable questions that arise within families.

·       In 2007, Stan bought a "pre-owned" hot tub, and we built a deck west of the house. We may actually get the tub wired, up and running in 2008. So bring your swim trunks when you stop in! (Editor’s note: We still have it, and this year's letter will detail the challenges of expanding the deck and adding a pergola.

·       We have a new dog. In January 2011, a shivering, hungry dog appeared at our farm during a bitterly cold week. The vet told us he would be a keeper. Stan named him Bud. (Editor’s note: Today, we're all growing old together.)

Creating Family Narratives

No matter when a letter is mailed, the key is that it creates a family memory paper trail. And it turns out that researchers and family experts have found that the most important thing you can do for your family is to develop a strong family narrative.

Emory University faculty members Marshall Duke and Robyn Fivush discovered that children who know a lot about their families tend to do better when they face life's challenges. In 2001, they developed a measure called the "Do You Know?" scale, asking children 20 questions. These questions quiz kids about things they wouldn't possibly know firsthand, but must learn from others through stories or writings. Examples: Do you know where your grandparents grew up? Do you know where your mom and dad went to high school? Do you know an illness or something awful that happened in your family? Do you know the story of your birth? https://myrootsfoundation.com/do-you-know-scale/

The more that children know about their family history, the stronger their sense of control over their lives, the higher their self-esteem, and the more successfully they believe that their families function. They're more resilient because they possess a strong core identity: "No matter what happened to us, we always stuck together as a family."

Oral storytelling and recordings are valuable, too. I never sent letters in 1979. My mom had died suddenly in the first few days of December. I was living in Milwaukee, and when I returned from Iowa, my friends had pooled their resources to buy a tree, and decorated it for me. I was touched by their thoughtfulness then, and every year I place these decorations prominently on our tree. It has become another family story of surviving difficult experiences, and the decorations, most of them handmade, are a testament to the power of friendship.

In May of 1988, I learned that, like my letters, holiday gifts sometimes arrive when you least expect it. Mine was stored in a bedroom closet at the house where I grew up. My younger brother was getting married, and planned to live there, so we were trying to finish emptying the house after the deaths of our parents. Inside a cardboard box, I found my childhood Christmas stocking, a precious little blue angel ornament, and a beloved glass figurine of a girl bearing gifts. As I sifted through these old family decorations and ornaments, I was struck by their simplicity. As the years pass, it's the inexpensive, homemade treasures that retain their value.

The past is always with us. Celebrations during the holidays immerse us in memories of our loved ones: their customs, decorations, recipes. . . and stories. Texting, Instagram, and video games have transformed the landscape of family life. But research shows that children who have the most self-confidence possess a strong "intergenerational self." They know they belong to something bigger than themselves. And it turns out that mothers and grandmothers often play a major role in this journey.

These days, my schedule is less strenuous, but our fast-forward lives still allow scant time for reflection. The weeks following the solstice sometimes offer a few stolen moments to light the darkness with our personal reflections, and to share them. I don't mail my letters by December 25. After all, it's now my tradition.

"But isn't letter-writing a lost art, now that we have email?" you reply. "Not everyone is a journalist!"

So true, but it appears that I may be doing something right. After our younger daughter was married a few years ago, she surprised me by writing an annual letter and mailing it to relatives and family friends. There's one distinct difference: her letters arrive on time!

No matter how you celebrate, or when you celebrate, please stay safe and warm. Sending my warmest greetings from the frozen tundra of Boone County, Iowa.

And now I must ask: Is it time yet to write my 2022 holiday letter?

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